


Blame It On The Poxtalen Brandy

by Kelkat9



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bad Wolf Rose Tyler, Closet Sex, Crack, Drunkenness, F/M, Humor, Slavery, Telepathic Sex, shag or die
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-06
Updated: 2013-08-06
Packaged: 2017-12-22 15:10:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/914703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kelkat9/pseuds/Kelkat9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor and Rose find themselves in several compromising situations which leave them naked, snogging and more.  Crackfic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blame It On The Poxtalen Brandy

**Author's Note:**

> a/n: Written for prompt at permissiontofollowupsarge on tumblr - Fit as many cliches you can in a short story. Very cracky and it would be best not to drink whilst reading this fic.

 

Rose couldn't stop giggling. In fact, she fell off the tall wooden stool the Poxtalen's had made her sit on. The Doctor who had been seated on a stool next to her as well as chained to her, tumbled down with her when she fell, spilling the bottle of Poxtalen brandy they had been drinking. To further complicate matters, they were both quite naked when they fell in a tangle of limbs onto the cold tiled floor.

Rose giggled out an " _ow!_ " as the Doctor half landed on her with an _oof._ He looked down at her with a silly drunken grin on his face. Apparently, Time Lord superior biology and resistance to inebriating substances did not include Poxtalen brandy which had a side effect of increasing the libido of certain species including Humans and Time Lords.

"Hello," he said cheerily to her and waggled his eyebrows.

Rose just giggled in response and looked at his lovely naked body before lifting up her shackled wrists to run her fingers through his hair. "God, I love your hair!" she drunkenly proclaimed.

He had a huge cocky grin on his face and leaned over to give her better access. "It's so…so brown and soft and luxurious. I wanna marry it!" she said, slurring slightly and rubbing her face in his hair.

"Mmmm I think you already did. Sort of," he mumbled and then hiccupped. His head shot up. "Blimey, I hiccupped! I've never done that before! And right in your soft and perky breasts!" he announced with a huge grin.

Rose snorted and laughed loudly. She then calmed down into a few giggles. "Waita minute! Did you say I married your hair?"

He squeaked and shifted until he was lying on top of her and mumbled, "Mmmm soft, warm, lovely Rose bits," and he then focused on her breasts. "My Rose…"

"When did we get married?" Rose asked with a scrunched up face as a group of green aliens whispered around them.

The Doctor looked up at her, unhappy at being interrupted. "Ohhh you know! It was, uhhhh, during the berry squishing thing!" he said, lifting his shackled wrist which yanked her hand up. She yanked it back down so she could run her hand over his shoulder and down his back.

Rose thought about it then grinned. "Oh yeah, stompin' those oogalooga thingies!" She giggled. "God, you were rubbish at that and I had to hold your hand." She focused suddenly on his mole and then perked up again. "Ohhh was it that big purple guy in the yellow robes squawkin' at us?"

The Doctor licked her up her neck and made a noise close to _yes_. Rose shook their manacles making a jingling noise and pulled on his hair.

"Ow! Not so hard! I have sensitive bits ya know!" he complained and then grinned down at her. "Really, really sensitive bits," he growled with a lascivious look and pressed his quite impressive hardened length into her.

Rose looked down. "Oh my God look at you! You're like really alien down there. I mean not that I've seen a lot of cocks but yours is just…are those ridges?" she asked now wiggling to get a better view.

He preened. "Time Lord," he said with pride. "Superior in all ways. Designed to maximize pleasure!"

Rose giggled again, jiggling her breasts which seemed to mesmerize him until he captured one in his mouth and made a _mmmm_ noise.

Rose moaned and arched up. "I knew you had talented tongue!" she gasped.

He released her breast with a pop. "We should really try and escape," he confessed but latched onto her other breast.

Rose raked her nails down his back and ran her foot down his manly hairy leg. "Don't think we can. Kind of surrounded by the pervy aliens now. It's shag or die or is it die or shag. I forget."

He looked up at her. "Definitely shag or die. I think. Maybe. It's all sort of fuzzy right now." He hiccupped again and giggled.

"Well get to it then!" Rose ordered as he pressed his impressive Time Lord length into her warmth. "Were bloomin' married so it's legal."

He paused and looked at her. "Welllll maybe but really we're just consuma…consumable… uh consummating it."

Rose grinned brightly. "Oh I love consummatin' stuff!"

The Doctor then proceeded to consummate said marriage and then repeated said consummation again just to be sure and with much gusto and prompting by Rose. After the consummation was thoroughly completed, Rose rolled over on her side. "You're real good at this consummatin' thing," she said sleepily. The Doctor's response was a loud snore. "Oi!" she shouted and shook him.

He sat up looking startled shouting, "Don't touch the bananas!"

He looked down and ran his hands through his hair jerking Rose's hand with him. He looked at the chains in confusion. "Wait, we're naked!" he observed and then reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose and cursed profusely. He looked back over at Rose who was giving him a tongue teasing grin.

"Hi there," she said, entirely too happy.

Everything cleared up and he realized his body had finally eliminated the alien brandy from his system. "Oops," he said as he looked out at the aliens who then snapped their appendages together in unison in their version of applause. "Ahhh yes," he said. "Um thank you, yes we are brilliant at just about everything, Rose and me are."

The aliens then threw their clothes at them and the shackles were released clanging to the floor. The Doctor stood up a bit wobbly and helped Rose up. Just has he had his trousers on, an explosion rocked the building. Rose fell into him as dust filled the room and an alarm blared. "Oh shit!" he exclaimed as he zipped up. He grabbed his coat and turned to find Rose still wobbling and wearing only his dress shirt. "Run!" he shouted and grabbed her hand. They made it down a few corridors before they heard sounds of an invading army storming through the city.

They ducked into a closet and he soniced the door locked. It was dark and they were pressed against some shelves. Rose snickered.

"Rose, we have to be quiet. I think we may have landed during the Poxtalen Invasion of Apple three Four Delta."

Rose grabbed him by the labels of his long brown coat and yanked him toward her for a snog. He pulled back. "Uh, as nice as this is and when I see nice, I mean brilliant. You're not quite yourself being welllll, snockered on Poxtalen brandy and we're in a supply closet hiding from the invading forces of the Elamef."

"Mmm, I know she moaned and rubbed up against him burrowing into his coat licking his bare chest."

He shivered but knew this had to stop now. She was not herself and he wouldn't take advantage of her. Of course, an evil little voice inside his head reminded him they'd just enjoyed a rather vigorous and brilliant shag a few minutes earlier. A grin lit his face but then he remembered where they were and what had happened. He pulled her away which was not easy considering she was latched onto him nipping and sucking at a particularly delightful spot on his collarbone.

"Rose, we really can't and…." He started to say before he lost his train of thought when a golden warmth enveloped him. He gasped as he felt the essence of Rose fill his mind. Her laughter, joy and pure Roseness was intoxicating in a whole different way than the brandy had been earlier.

"You can't be doing this," he murmured as Rose began the equivalent of telepathic foreplay which she was very quickly mastering and progressing to all out mind sex. She giggled as she snuggled up close to him again and whispered filthy thoughts into his mind that did remarkable things to his libido. He tried to retreat to his Time Lord discipline and when he looked into her eyes he say flecks of gold. They were sparkling and she was the picture of a naughty temptress dressed in his shirt, her hair mussed from their previous sexy encounter and she had that tongue teasing grin. He was doomed and soon gave up and snogged her delving into her own mind.

A few moans and shouts of "Fuck yes!" later, they were both in a happy, satisfied place. Rose was leaning against his chest. "We're rubbish for not doing' this sooner," she mumbled into his chest.

"Oh, we're far from rubbish," he said in a very satisfied voice. "I mean, light years from rubbish, a whole nebula and galaxy from rubbish." He looked down at her a bit of worry clouded his eyes. "How'd you do that? You shouldn't be able to…" He peered into her mind and paused. "Oh."

"Mmmm, you finally figured it out then? I mean you are the brilliant Time Lord," she said, snuggling him.

"Uh yeah. How is it you still have that bit of vortex in you 'cos I sort of died taking it out?"

She looked up and arched a brow at him. "Oi, Goddess of Time and part of the TARDIS here. Don't be such an arrogant prat. You just got my forever so be nice." She sighed. "God, I'm hungry. I could really use some chips."

He couldn't help the chuckle that bubbled forth. One of the things he loved about her was how she could boil down the universe or any complicated situation into its most basic terms, process it and move on with no muss or fuss. It was an endearing quality and he loved her for it.

Just as he was formulating a plan for their escape, the door burst open. He faced off against the invading army, shoving Rose behind him. He gave them his best Oncoming Storm speech. Unfortunately, the invading force was a matriarchal society that was less than impressed by him. Luckily, Rose strode forward and handled it which meant declaring him her slave and apologizing for his rudeness. This was followed by her having a conversation with the Prime Matriarch Commander whilst standing on his back as he lay prone on the floor.

He fumed about the indignity of it all but with a dozen spear wielding amazon warriors around him, there wasn't more he could do other than rely on Rose to talk their way out of this. Luckily, she had sobered up and just laid on the patented Rose Tyler charm. Soon, she hopped off his back and as he sat up, a metal collar and leash was snapped onto him. He looked up at Rose who was grinning like it was Christmas. She turned to the commander.

"Thanks! I appreciate the leash. He has a tendency to wander off."

He scowled at her. After a few more pleasantries, they were on their way out of the city, her dressed only in his shirt, him in his trousers and brown coat being led by a rather perky Rose by a leather leash. She snapped her fingers when they reached the TARDIS and the door creaked open. He sniffed and mumbled he could do that as she led him in. Life for them was never simple but always fun and from that point out, every year on the designated anniversary, it was celebrated with a naughty bottle of Poxtalen Brandy.

* * *

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.  



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